In the Sex area we try to shape a sane and sound Ideal for our future sex life. For this reason, we ask God, and others to help us live up to that Ideal. In light of this, my Ideal sex life is: No sex with myself or with anyone except my spouse. The term spouse, is used in the traditional sense, and refers to a partner, in a marriage between a man and a woman. I have been able to live up to that definition by the grace of God since May 10th, 1996.
Let’s explore and talk about the Gift of Desperation, in the sexual arena. The definition for the Gift of Desperation we will be working from is: The realization that we cannot do it ourselves, and at that point we invite God into our lives,
I will tell you my story to give you an upfront and personal look at the Gift of Desperation.
When I came into the program in 1992, for sexual recovery, not surprisingly, I was a real wreck. All my score cards were reading zero. I was completely out of answers, and I was desperate for a solution. Everything I tried had failed. I had even tried giving up, only to realize that giving up was not an option.
Before becoming a Christian on April 16th, 1980, I was in the New Age Movement, from 1974-1980. Christianity took my sense of right and wrong, good and bad to a whole new level. In the New Age Movement masturbation for me, was a way to escape the tensions of life, deal with my social anxieties, and have fun. However, from time to time, as a New Ageer, I did sense that masturbation might be morally wrong. So one time I attempted stopping the Big M, and for 6 months I stopped , yet I could not stay stopped.
Prior to April 16th, 1980 I was a total liberal. I was for the whales, the spotted owls, save the trees, you name it, I was for it. My motto was: “Do your thing, just don’t do it on me.”
After my conversion to Christ, and reading the Bible. There came a strong conviction that masturbation was a sin. I began wanting to stop, yet found, I could not stay stopped. My sense of right and wrong, of moral purity, had shifted markedly, yet my behavior wanted to go back to the good ole days. Consequently an inner struggle to get my value system in line with my behavior, kept me feeling defeated, and guilty.
Finally in 1987, I just said to hell with it all. I can’t live up to this Christian life. Especially when it comes to masturbation. I made a conscious decision to quit trying to stop masturbating. It was a conscious decision to put myself on the altar of my lust, and let it take me wherever it wanted. Masturbating that night was really freeing. The struggle was over, and for me a decision had been made.
However, the honeymoon with my new found persona was short lived. The next day I went to work. I was working, as a dishwasher. I went to talk to the head cook, and all of a sudden in the conversation I started moving my tongue like I was French kissing her. She looked at me like I had lost my mind, and quickly went and reported me to the Director. I thought I was losing my mind too, because this was not a plan action on my part.
Something inside me was attempting to take over me, to usurp my authority. I felt like I was losing control of me. This renegade, continued to manifest itself that day, touching people sexually, staring at the sexual parts of people, and making sexual gestures. In my mind everything became sexualized.
Tracing my behavior back to my decision the night before, I realized I was in way over my head. That placing myself on the altar of my lust was more than I had bargained for. Realizing that it was the masturbation that had fuel this problem; stopping would cure it. Nevertheless, with possible firing looming over my head, and the thought of losing my mind, I convinced myself that I could masturbate, “one more time.”
I began planning out how I was going to act after masturbating. Acting “normal,” so no one would suspect that something was wrong with me. That I would use willpower, and keep on guard against these attacks, and that would “fix it.” Yet the moment I did it, all my plans evaporated like snow under a burning heat. I was like this schizoid person who at times was unable to control his sexual behavior. I didn’t know when or where this person would show up.
It was only by a great deal of willpower, prayer, and Bible reading, this renegade was kept in his cage. Feeling paranoid, fearful, guilty, and a great sense of despair, I searched for a means to survive, as I put away all my dreams for a future. One day at a time, trying to do the next right thing, or some would say, “painting by numbers,” putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, became my survival mode.
I realized too late, and the hard way that it was easier to stay sober than to get sober. Now I had a problem that had gone public. This happened in 1987, and for 5 years I struggled to keep it together. Having several slips into my old behavior.
My addiction had brought me to washing dishes in the corner of the kitchen in a nursing home . I was a nobody, doing nothing, going nowhere, and I was about to be fired. I believe God had allowed my sexual problems to become amplified, nevertheless, it was my strong faith in God, that was keeping me sane.
Then one day, in 1992, I was listening to Christian radio, and the speaker said, “If you want to be free of your secret sins, you need to tell somebody what it is.” That statement hit me like a 350 pound linebacker. I knew instantly he was right, and what I must do. Yet I had no one to talk to. My addiction had painted me in a corner, and I was alone. I was desperate to talk to someone. To tell them my secret sin.
There was a pastor in Florida, Dr. D. James Kennedy, whom I had heard on the radio. I wrote to him and, told my secret sin, and how I felt like a schizoid person. In the light of my letter to him, he directed me to another pastor here in St, Louis. I called him, and set an appointment.
On the day of my appointment I walked into his office. I had never seen this man previously. So consequently, he was curious as to how I had got his name, and who had directed me to him. I said, “I wrote Dr. D. James Kennedy, and told him my problem with masturbation, and he gave me your name as a possible resource for help.” That won me an audience, so I sat down, and began to talk about my masturbation problem. He said to me, “If you do what is right, God will accept you. But, by the same token, if you do what is wrong your sin is waiting for you, and it wants to possess you, but you must master it.”
We talked more, and I realized that I could leave his office without talking about my schizoid problem, what was really bothering me. Summoning all my courage, I said, “I feel like a schizoid person one moment I am fine, and the next moment I am moving my tongue like I am kissing someone, and it is all connected to masturbation.” I told him the whole meal deal.
After telling all, I braced myself for the worse. Instead he said, “I think there is a 12 Step group that can help you, they deals with sexual addiction. They are a secular group, but I think they can help you.” He said that he knew someone who belonged to that fellowship. That he would give him my number and he would call me. He did call, and that was the beginning, of a brand new life for me. I was desperate for a solution. If I had not told all, told my secret sin, he would not have seen how sick I was, and would not have recommended 12 Step help.
On my first meeting I walked in the meeting room in a church basement. There were several tables stretched out end to end, and the seats were filled. The room was brightly lit. Two members got up and introduced themselves to me. Pulled me aside, sat me down and began telling me what had brought them to this group. I did not know how to respond, yet wondered, “Why are they telling me this?” After they had told me their story, they lead me to the large table, and I sat down. Hearing powerlessness, and a real solution at that gathering, I knew and felt I had found something that would work and work permanently.
All has not been peaches and cream since entering this program. Instead of running joyous to heaven, I have backed away from my hell one step at a tine. And in so doing, I had a major slip.
On May 10th, of 1996 I was fantasizing about this worker, who came to the coffee bar where I worked. There was no way that she would be seriously interested in me. She was a medical professional, and there was no way I could support her.
One day I took a deep dive into a fantasy about her. Part of my problem is indulging in fantasy romantic relationship with women. Nothing is happening in the real world, it is all going on in my head. Thinking sexual thoughts about her too long on one occasion, I touch myself sexually, and had an ejaculation. Instantly rationalizations attacked my mind. Conning myself that I had not lost my sobriety and, that this was no big deal. That I did not have to talk to anyone about it.
In reading the Oxford Group’s pamphlet The Four Absolutes, I came to realize I had lost my ideal sexual self. The Four Absolutes were borrowed from the Oxford Group Movement by A.A. when A.A was just getting started. They introduce a series of questions dealing with Absolute Honesty, Absolute Purity, Absolute Unselfishness, and Absolute Love. Bill W. Co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous was part of that movement. Although Bill W. left that group nevertheless, he incorporated many of the tenets of the Four Absolutes into the 12 Steps,12 Traditions, and 12 Concepts.
Those Four Absolutes convinced me I had to change my sobriety date. It was very humbling to do that. There were 3 changes I made in addition to changing my sobriety date: Firstly, going to every group in St. Louis, and apologizing for letting them down. I really felt an obligation to stay sober, because of the hope it gave others. Secondly, vowing never to talk to my current sponsor again. He had become my god, and I needed total independence from him to discover God. Lastly, reinstating a practice of listening to a tape Jess L. made in July 1993 at a Nashville Convention. He talked about being Lust Free, and I needed to recapture that lust free spirit.
Additionally, Gratitude and Thankfulness have been very important to my recovery. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purposes.” Continuing that thought, “In all things give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus.” By being thankful for my sex addiction, I am agreeing with God that this is the best thing for me. I am not fighting it, wanting God to take it all away. In that attitude of gratitude God’s power is released to keep me sober. I have become a worker with God to bring the gift of a second life to others.
I will sum up my Readers Digest version of my story. Without a doubt, this path is difficult, yet one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time it has happened, by the grace of God. Without the Gift of Desperation I never would have found a spiritual awakening. For me my party is over. My party is over because, if I go back out there, I won’t start where I left off in 1990. No, it will be like I never stopped, and 27 years of the path I have just enumerated will lead to jails, institutions, or death.
Now, I want to ask you a question. “Is your party over?” Undoubtedly, some will hem and haw and say, “That’s a good idea I think I will write that down. ‘”Is the party over?'” ” I’ll put that in my notebook.” Yet for you, I want to make this point clear, that if the party is not over you need to go back out there. Unquestionably, acting out is fun, the tease and the forbidden is a real high. So if the party is not over for you, you are wasting good acting out time. You need to go for it, without reservation. As you sit, you are not getting the full benefits of the lust filled life, and you are not getting the full benefits of the lust free life. “Half measures will avail you nothing.”
However, and in light of all I have said, if the party is over emphatically, join us. If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, surrender to Steps 1, 2, and 3. If you are ready to say to yourself and to another human being, “My life has become unmanageable. I am powerless over this thing, I need to reach out for help.”
If you have the realization that you cannot do this yourself, and you are ready to invite God into your life, my friend, you are ready for the Gift of Desperation.