Finding Serenity With Acceptance

One of the reasons I like working with sexually addicted people is that it affords me the opportunity to be a partner with God, to be a partner with the God of the Universe. Few are privileged to save lives. Even fewer than that, have the rich experience, of being God’s helper, in the gift of a second life. Bringing that second life to others, I believe will stop the generational curse. And to think; we have an opportunity to stop it in our lifetime.

I really do believe that this topic is one of the most privitol topics of the day, and will be a turning point in lust recovery. I say that because it deals with the guilt and the shame that keeps us stuck.

This blog is going to be broken up in two parts. (1) Emotional Sobriety, and (2) Gratitude.

It has been said that a grateful heart will never drink, and I believe that a grateful heart will never act-out sexually. If we are grateful for what God is giving us we will not act-out. One definition for lust is: Wanting anything that God is not willing to gives us in this moment.

Alcoholics Anonymous’ founder Bill Wilson is said to have said that Emotional Sobriety is the final frontier of recovery, I believe him, the inner landscape is limitless. It is our emotional mismanagement that causes us to act out. Let’s define the term Emotional Sobriety before we go on, so we will be on the same page. Emotional Sobriety: Being comfortable with all our feelings in the present moment. Not allowing our negative emotions to define us. Being aware of our feelings, accepting them and taking actions that are considerate and helpful. Our admission of powerlessness is the key to our sobriety. Our admission of powerlessness over our defects of character is the key to our emotional sobriety. We gain emotional sobriety by working on our defects. So to be emotionally sober we have to know how we feel about these shortcomings, if we are angry, fearful, despairing, we need to know that.

So now, let’s take a great deal of time to talk about the 3 A’s, that are so famous in the Anon programs: Awareness, Acceptance and Action.

Awareness: Awareness is so very crucial in emotional sobriety for us, yet it is often ignored. Knowing how we feel can have a life changing impact on us. When we are angry or fearful, and unaware of it, that doesn’t mean the emotions go away. No, these emotions undetected eat away at our emotional wellbeing like termites eating away at the foundation of a house. We can repress and suppress those feelings deep inside by sheer willpower. We can smile on the outside, and be as mad as a hatter on the inside. Yet, it takes a lot of emotional, physical, and psychic energy to hold those feelings down.

This is why it is important to do a 4th and 5th step. We unload those hidden scenarios that we rarely think of in the 4th and 5th steps. Anyone who has not done the 4th and 5th Steps, I encourage you to do yourself a favor, and do them. It has been said that if you don’t do a 4th, you will drink a 5th. Or if you do not do a 4th, as my friend Georgia says, who is a member of a Anon program, “If you do not do a 4th you will THINK a 5th.” There is a truckload of energy waiting to be released once you do a 5th Step.

This is why we act-out, the weight of yesterdays and todays negative emotions weigh us down. The “addict” is always waiting and watching for a weak moment. So it is important to stay ready, so you won’t have to get ready.

Acceptance: Acceptance of that thought or emotion we have become Aware of. “Yes, this is how I feel, and it’s alright, it’s okay.” Acceptance of a feeling does not mean it defines us. It is simply accepting the reality that the feelings exist. Our feelings may mislead us, yet at this point in time this how we feel. No one wants to be fearful, or angry, yet being aware of fear and anger, and accepting it, is the key to our emotional sobriety. These feelings have ambushes us, and we can’t handle them on our own. Acceptance empowers us, and tells God we a ready to get on with THE PLAN. When we are angry, owning that reality allows us to accept ourselves. Denying we are not angry keeps us stuck, for the FACT IS we are angry. It is not a matter of right or wrong it is accepting our reality. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are, what we do with them makes all the difference.

Action: Action brings us into the real world. When we know how we feel, when we accept how we feel, we will take the right actions that are considerate and helpful to all concerned. When we know how we feel we will know what to do. There must be a turning point that says, “What am I going to do about it?” Without action we are left as victims to our circumstances.

A practical way of looking at the 3 As is to look at a Feeling Chart. A Feeling Chart is a chart that gives definitions of emotions and their synonyms. I am going to give you some descriptions of emotions to give you a sense of the importance of knowing how you feel. This Feeling Chart was taken from the book, “I’ll Quit Tomorrow” by Vernon Johnson pages160-163

Fear: ( A feeling of dread in the presence of or from the threat of danger)

Terror, Panic, Alarm, Trepidation, Horror, Timid, Fright, Scare, Anxiety, Nervousness, Jumpy, Worry, Distrust, Mistrust, Jittery, Apprehension, Flight, Escape, Uneasy, Restless, Cowed, Cowardly, Cautious, Astonished, Startled, Worry, Appalled

Hate: ( A feeling of revulsion against evil) Dislike of, Cold toward, Indifferent to, Repelled by, Despise, Withdrawn from

Love: (a feeling of attraction toward “good”)

Liking of, Warmth toward, Affection for, Passion for, Tenderness toward, Drawn toward, Friendly toward, Captivated by Concern for, Admiration for, Wonder at, Attracted by

Aversion: ( a feeling of movement away from an “evil” which is hated)

Turn away from, Withdrawn from, Rejection of, Distant from, Repelled by, Get out, Get away from, Escape, Avoid, Evade

Desire: ( a feeling of movement toward or in the direction of a “good” which is loved )

Longing for, Craving for, Coveting, Need for, Impulse toward, Hanker for

Despair: (a feeling of expectation of “evil” of expectation that a “good” which is loved and desired cannot and will not be attained-or, that an “evil” which is hated cannot or will not be avoided)

Hopeless, Desperate, Inevitable, Despondent, Doubtful, Skeptical, Suspicious, Discouraged, Disappointment, Trapped, Cornered, Stopped, Defeated, Helpless, Inadequate, Lost

Hope: ( a feeling of confident expectation that the “good” we love and desire will be ours-will be achieved or possessed by whatever help is needed) Knowing we are hopeful helps us dive more deeply into feelings of brightness, confidence, trust, feeling hopeful helps us waller in it.

Expectant of, Anticipate, Aspire to, Trust, Reliance on, “Faith” in, Buoyancy. Brightness, Confidence

Sorrow: ( a feeling of sadness which accompanies the loss of a “good” or the presence of an “evil”) Sad-saddened Grieved Embarrassed, Humiliated, Depressed Melancholy, Unhappy, Sorry, Dejected Gloom, Finding grieving rituals helps us get pass our loss, so that our loses can be weaved into the fabric of our lives.

Courage: (a feeling of strength to overcome difficulties in the way of achieving a “good” or enduring a “evil”) Spunk, Guts, Bravery, Risking, Patience, Endurance, Toughness, Confidence, Competence, Assurance, Bold, Audacious, Cocky.

As I have shown, it is vitally important to know how you feel. Without knowing how you feel you are part of the walking dead. You are part of the majority of people who are reacting to life instead of dealing with life as an adult.

Another key point of this conversation, which will rounds it out is: Gratitude and Acceptance. I have a sign that I put on the passenger seat of my car, when I drive it reads: GOD THANK YOU FOR MY SEX ADDICTION. I put that there so that I am constantly reminded that God has a higher purpose for allowing me to be a sex addict. When I believe that; I stop fighting. I stop wishing for God to take it all away. My sex addiction is working for my good. I may not understand how, yet by the same token, I accept that this is so.

First thing to remember is God is more interested in character building, than ease and comfort. Page 417 in the Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book” says, “An acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is suppose to be at this moment….”

Thanking God for our situations and believing it is part of God’s wonderful plan, as I have said, brings serenity. God is permitting, our discomforts, our tragedies, so He can stretch our faith. All things work together for our good, and in all things give thanks, for this is God’s will for us. When we align our will with God’s we begin to use it rightly.