The AA Big Book on page 417 talks about how acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. That nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. So looking at these statements, I quickly realize that this is all or nothing; there is no wiggle room. These statements that I have just presented are either true or false.
Recently, a meeting asked me to speak . I did not look at my appointments for that day, so I showed up for the meeting, only to find that it was the following week. Of course I was ashamed, and embarrassed. I felt really silly that I had come a week early. As I got over myself, and settled into the meeting, I realized that the readings were exactly were I was at. That if I had missed that meeting, I would have been headed for a big relational mistake.
Characteristically, I had convinced myself that a woman in a twelve step program I was attending wanted me. That I should ask for her phone number and give her mine. The readings in the meeting that day, brought me back to reality. It talked about living in our own heads and seldom in the real world. It talked about the importance of stop feeding my obsessive thinking to lust.
My M.O. is Fantasy Romantic Relationships, in that, nothing is going on in the real world, it is all going on in my head. I will give an example: I see a woman and she smiles at me, I think, “She wants me, she wants to go to bed with me.” Which is not true, yet my diseased brain can convince me that this is reality. So I try to make my fantasy meet reality.
It is so strange; that when I made the decision not to say anything to her, she changed in my mind. I began to see things about her that I had not seem before. I saw a insensitivity I had never noticed to that degree before. That this character defect of hers could erode my self worth. That this insensitivity could invariably destroy me. I had stepped out, on my own will, apart from God, doing things my way. Because of my insurance policy (prayer) I was spared from making a colossal mistake. That I was on the precipice, about to jump off, would have jumped off, if God had not intervened.
I would like to illustrate this point: If I take a match, light it, and throw it on the ground nothing will happened, no fire. Now, if I get some dried leaves, wood, pour gasoline on it; still no fire. Now, if I throw a match on that bundle, watch out! That is the way it is when I am lusting. Since I am powerless over lust I can handle just so much of lust before I get my, “Watch out!” Every lust hit is toxic. There is no such thing as a safe look of lust. Lust has a cumulative effect on me.
Consequentially, I have to practice mindfulness. Being aware of what I am thinking most of the time. Mindfulness, is a type of awareness for me. I have to know what I am thinking most of the time. Thoughts are going on in my head, and I need to know what they are. If I pray for the person I see on the street. Asking God to bless them and make them a blessing. I am mindful that I had a lust hit, and I need to to something about it.
In this case I am giving out, and not taking in. Those who take care of that pile stay sober. Those who do not take care of that pile don’t stay sober. Another form of mindfulness that I practice is, reading recovery literature, praying, doing acts of service, going to meetings, reading Spiritual literature, and meditation.
I would like to say in closing, that staying sober is a one day at a time event. Every morning I wake up with untreated sexaholism, and it is up to me to do something about it, just for that day. One day at a time one hour at a time, I have to do what I can to keep that lust slate clean. When I do that I make room for God to work in my life, as He did that day.